Toad’s Weekly Assessment #46

I still do not identify myself as sad, but the behavior I’m documenting – when I look at from a clinical perspective – makes me say it is depression. Is it really? I don’t know. Especially given how quickly I swung back up at the end of the week.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ June 4, 2017

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm the night before, up at 7am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

  • 3 cup of coffee
  • 2 plates of spaghetti with meat sauce

Notes

  • went to the birthday party

Monday ~ June 5, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: slept like shit, had trouble falling asleep only to wake back up for no reason I could tell – ended up sleeping all afternoon until night meds for the boys and even then wanted to stay in bed

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

  • some Red Vines
  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 2 12oz. cans of Dr. Pepper
  • bag of microwaved popcorn

Notes

  • really felt “done with life” today

Tuesday ~ June 6, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: I don’t remember but I do know that I did sleep a huge chunk of the late afternoon and all of early evening away

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

  • 4 cups coffee
  • 12oz. can of Dr. Pepper

Notes

  • Scholar Owl’s therapy appointment
  • Little Bear’s med clinic appointment
  • getting really tired of seeing a different doctor every time I bring my kids in for their med management – my issue is they each have their own philosophy: one prescribes supplements while another says we shouldn’t do that, another wants me to try the dairy and gluten free diet on my child when I wrote a paper on this in college how this diet has been completely debunked for anyone that doesn’t have Celiac or Chrons disease, another tried to tell me that I shouldn’t be giving my child allergy meds daily because it can effect mood – okay… so I think this is where I think she meant paradoxal side-effects and believe me you can’t miss the effects of it when using Benadryll, so supposedly I have to make him suffer for something that doesn’t happen with my kid? And let us not forget the one that wants to push the atypical anti-psychotics. I’m tired of not being able to build a rapport with any of them and dealing with different, and often clashing, approaches. With the adult wing you deal with one provider only. The kiddos need the same level of dedication.
  • the doctor we saw today had a similar attitude as my dad about the school sending Little Bear home as often as they do and requesting he stay home on their field days and said I need to take it to the school board – does this mean there is a legal issue I’m not aware of or is this the helicopter parenting alert so common for their generation going on? Because I remember not being allowed on field trips for poor behavior or failure to complete school work (usually the latter because like Scholar Owl I didn’t seem to care enough to get shit done) when I was growing up. So why the change in attitude regarding upbringing when it comes to my kids’ generation? I don’t understand the mass shift.

Wednesday ~ June 7, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1 (sinus headache, fucking allergies)

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am, nap 2pm

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 600mg Ibuprophen @ 6:30am
  • 10mg Zyrtec @ 6:30am

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 12oz. can of Dr. Pepper
  • 1 pc. fried chicken with mixed fresh fruit and tomatoes

Notes

  • Dad discussed the possibility of buying a house for the boys and I – commenting that I’m not happy here (I feel there is subtext in there that I haven’t quite deciphered yet)
  • Dad spoke with mom about it and they decided they couldn’t afford the place he was looking at and it was listing as in need of “tender loving care” – this isn’t the first time this has gone around the table of discussion and there is always something wrong with the place (just like when I’m apartment hunting) but the comment he made earlier today about me not being happy makes me wonder since I didn’t think I was unhappy and I decided to mark myself for depression based on behavior rather than mood – I don’t feel sad, but I don’t feel right either
  • husband informed me that his leave starts June 21st and ends July 6th (think, I didn’t write down when it ended), brought up that there may be a transportation issue during his leave, and then informed me that he will be going to Korea when he goes back from his leave, at which point he complained about the time zone difference and how he would have to call around 5am when over there to reach us at 6:30pm – no idea what he expects me to do with the information regarding transportation or the time difference, but I felt there was an unspoken request in there (could be just my enabling nature wanting to accommodate when it’s not my problem, and shouldn’t be, to begin with)
  • both times he brought up the Korea thing, I got the impression he wanted a reaction from me – like am I supposed to be upset with him going or something? I’m already upset that he had enlisted to begin with and didn’t bother to tell me until it was done and he still claims he never mentioned it ever before then, but Dad remembers being there for one of our conversations about it and me explaining why I couldn’t and wouldn’t move out of the state and him saying he wanted to travel around the world – I then told him he could do that but it would be without me, and this was before we got married

Thursday ~ June 8, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: fucked if I know, gave Little Bear a children’s dissolvable Zyrtec last night for his hay fever instead of the Benadryl and that turned out to be a mistake – he wasn’t cranked but he wasn’t sleepy most of the night either

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 12oz. can of Dr. Pepper
  • 1 microwave bag of popcorn
  • 6 Andes mints
  • Chow Mein on the crunchy noodles

Notes

  • School tried to send Little Bear home because he called the teacher a bastard and told her to shut up, I got there and talked to the principal
  • I asked where my copy of the IEP was and where was the paperwork that I’m supposed to sign for it since I’m pretty sure he was approved for tech support, I tell her that sending him home is what he wants.
  • They told me that the initial IEP takes 21 days to put together (I don’t remember it taking that long for Tuxedo Cat, but then again his was done up the summer before school started), they would follow up about the special transportation bus he’s supposed to be switching to, and she tried to give me the same old line about how they don’t have the staff to deal with his behavior
  • that’s when Little Bear arrived to the office for release singing “I get to go home,” over and over – needless to say the principal took one look at him and said to me, “I can keep him in my office for the day if you want.”
  • And yes, I did want that and told her that I think he’s doing this just so he can be sent home so I think in school suspension or detention would be a better fit for this kid. This way he’s being punished but he’s not getting what he wants.
  • He came off the bus saying he was upset that he didn’t get to go home. He’s still grounded from the games and videos. I don’t see any reason why he should be allowed to keep them. This bullshit of his needs to stop and they need to stop feeding it.

Friday ~ June 9, 2017

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm the night before, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

Notes

  • Seriously spaced this day and documented nothing – only thing significant I remember is arguing with Little Bear that just because the school said he had a great day doesn’t make him automatically ungrounded at home. To say that I was pissed to hear from him that he thought the principal was my boss (his words) would be an understatement.

Saturday ~ June 10, 2017

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: I could NOT sleep for shit last night – tossed and turned and kept waking up and today was Tuxedo Cat’s state meet for Special Olympics

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • nothing, but I wish I had thought to take a Zyrtec before we had left – fucking grass and pollenating trees everywhere

Meals

  • 1 LARGE iced coffee from the gas station
  • half a bottle of 1 liter bottle Dr. Pepper before Little Bear claimed it
  • bought two roast beef sandwiches for me but shared one with Tuxedo Cat’s dad
  • 12oz. bottle of Angry Orchard Hard Cider with a cobb salad at our favorite diner
  • 1 cup of coffee

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat had a great day today and came home with a gold medal for the 50m Dash event – this is the first time since he’s joined the team that I’ve seen him make an active effort to compete rather than just be there and participate
  • The weather today was stunning and I could feel my mood climb with it – once again I am struck with how important “sunshine therapy” and fresh air is for me and I wish it had this effect every time I went outside but sadly it’s not the case but it does boost me when I haven’t been outside for extended periods of time
  • Little Bear announced that he didn’t want to go because there was nothing for him to do there so my dad was awesome and let him spend the day home with him – he behaved himself very well and I’m super proud of him!
  • Scholar Owl came with us and seemed to have a good day as well. There were many new faces on the team this year but one of the team members from the previous years was still there and like always she made a point to welcome and include him and through all of that he found some new fellow Pokémon fans to chill with
  • So why was my anxiety kicking in today despite all the coolness of the day? I was hyper aware of Tuxedo Cat’s dad the entire time today. In a pleasant way. I know I have blogged about him before and my appreciation of how he makes me feel like he believes in me as a parent and is always in my corner. He does and he is. I suppose this is why today I found myself wishing things had played out differently between us. Like why am I married to a dick head that constantly makes snide remarks about my parenting and then tries to make it off like nothing? And other things I could rant forever about. I know why I left him (Tuxedo Cat’s dad I mean) and even now I think it needed to happen back then. So today was filled with a bunch of “what if’s” and “should/could haves” that I know there will never be an answer for.

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