Sunday Musings

So I’m popping in because I feel like I have been doing nothing here other than lurking. That bothers me. Why is it as of late that I feel no desire to share what’s going on in my life? I’ve been using this blog like a journal and it’s been cathartic in many respects. So why the change now? Do I fear that my life is boring? Do I fear sounding repetitious? Or it is that I just lack motivation? Damned if I know.

I’m still writing. Spending a lot of time over at Scribophile as of late. Meeting some really cool people over there too. It’s been nice to join groups that are supportive and share your interests with writing. I’m not hearing anymore “find a different job” like I have had for so many years.

Seeing people become interested in my work has been… I don’t know how to describe it. I think the best I can do is say it feels a lot like when I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar. Suddenly the light is on and I don’t feel like I’m fumbling blind in the dark. It lends me a sense of purpose and direction.

I’ve started building a new outline for Surge of the Soul Eater and I’m looking at what things need to be changed in it. What is weird is I know what needs to be done but for whatever reason I’m reluctant to make it happen and get it done. Am I still in the resting phase for this? Maybe it’s because it requires a complete rewrite with a different narrative style that I’m not used to?

I read on Clive Barker’s website that he takes about a year and a half to finish a novel – that’s from the first draft to polished draft. I’m starting to understand why that is. The first draft really is the easy part.

However, I’m still struggling to build a clear outline for the Nusquamton Archives series. I feel like I’m still in the world building stage and establishing characters. I think the biggest barrier is figuring out the villain in this – which is operating mostly behind the scenes. So much to do with it. And there is of course a part of me that wants to keep the randomness that it had. So maybe I just need to keep pantsing it and let it run whichever direction it chooses to go.

Home life is more or less the same as it has been since I moved in here. Little Bear has flipped his sleep cycle again. Scholar Owl’s sleep cycle is messed up too, which is messing up Tuxedo Cat’s since they share a bedroom. And of course this is messing up my sleep as well. It’s giving me the sinking feeling of being overwhelmed. I don’t know how to fix this. I never do. It seems to fix itself in the end. I just wish it would stay fixed.

Tuxedo Cat starts up practice for the Special Olympics next week. I expect that my life will get busy again. And you know, this may be my problem still. I know I wrote about it before stating that I felt bored with not enough to do. Since moving here I have felt that many of the balls I had been juggling vanish. So much of the bullshit that I’ve been struggling with lifted off my chest. Now I feel like I have no anchor and I’m just floating about since I’m not chasing one crisis after the next with damage control.

The school still hasn’t set up an IEP meeting for Little Bear and here it is almost the end of the school year. Complete bullshit since I requested the determination meeting in writing. Yes, we had a meeting at the beginning of the year but I got no clear answer from them and there was no IEP set up at that time. Knowing my luck, this meeting covered their legal ass. I don’t have the money to fight it anyhow.

Still without meds – however long that’s been since I last marked it in my mood tracker. Speaking of which, last week was the first week since I started posting it here that I haven’t bothered with it. What’s up with that? Why the sudden loss of interest in that? It’s probably what contributing to my sleep problems. I’m starting to remember the dreams I have in my sleep again. The tinnitus has backed off too. Creative writing has become easier. Surprisingly the migraines haven’t come back in full swing yet. They have increased in frequency since moving back in with my parents, but I’m thinking it’s connected to diet more than anything else.

I really should keep doing the mood trackers even though I’m starting to understand why staying med compliant is challenging. It’s not that I think I don’t need the meds. Somehow there is a desire to be free. Freedom to just be myself, exactly as however I am. I haven’t felt functional since Little Bear was born so what difference does it make? And it’s these behaviors and thoughts that make me worry that I’ve slid toward depression even though I don’t feel sad. Or is this even depression? I don’t know what it is other than a desire to wake up. Yes, I feel like I’ve been sleeping for a long time. Not sure what to do about that. I know what I’m feeling isn’t what I’ve come to identify as hypomania.

I can’t help but wonder if I feel this way because of my parents’ insistence that I need to straighten myself out. It feels like they want the old me back. The me that existed before Little Bear was born. But that part of me is gone. I know that after a psychotic break the brain is altered. I feel like I’m trying to figure out how to live life all over again.

Why can’t I just live a quiet, simple normal life and be left alone?

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3 thoughts on “Sunday Musings

  1. Scribophile is a nice way of putting it. I relate to that. Glad you’ve kept it going. I am rebounding from some tough news. Haven’t written anything in 48 hours. Have something I need to write though. Anyway, have a good week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Scribophile is an actual critique site that I’ve joined to help polish my writing and to help others with theirs. Maybe I need to put up a link to the site so people know what I’m talking about when I mention it?

      I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been hit by tough news. Rebounding is never a fun process. I hope it turns out okay for you.

      I hope this week is good for you as well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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