This Year’s Resolution for 2017

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My soul won’t be left to wander, searching for my authentic self.

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I’m going to work harder on establishing and holding healthy boundaries. Without them I fade and disappear. I’m done with other people defining my priorities, my motivations, and my emotions. I’m done with others telling me what I should or shouldn’t need and want in life.

I am a person. I will be seen. I will be heard.
For the person I am in this moment.

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Not the person you think I used to be. Not the person you want me to be. Not the person you think I might become. None of that matters. All that matters is who I am right now. I will no longer hide it. I will no longer allow it to be diminished or dismissed.

My light has the right to burn just as bright as yours.
You will not define me.

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This is me renewing my resolve for the coming year. It’s a long journey of self discovery that I’ve only begun to take.  I want and need to reclaim my life. The biggest and hardest thing I’ve learned this year has been my lack of boundaries. So I’m going to keep holding myself to that. I’m going to continue to say no to the things that hurt me and wreck my life as I forge ahead with new goals.

I am putting on armor but it’s no longer to hide who I am but to push back against the world that says I should not be. It’s not for them to decide how I define the word mother. It’s not for them to decide how I define the word partner or spouse. It’s not for them to decide how I forge my path to wellness. It’s not for them to determine what I feel or what I think. It’s not for them to define who I am.

I am a drop of water: always shifting and transforming yet remaining unchanged.

So tell me, what are you willing to fight for starting this coming year? What are you willing to stand behind, rally for, and build up in your life to make it worth living? Participate in the conversation and be part of the discussion by starting here.

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21 thoughts on “This Year’s Resolution for 2017

      1. Damn right they are! 🙂 It’s hard to believe that when I was 19 years old I was told by an ER doctor that I was never going to have children. I have 3 beautiful boys now. I have no words for that. Or maybe too many. I would never stop fighting for them.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. My biggest hope for this year is just building a better life for the boys and I. No idea what that’s going to look like yet, but I’m done with people telling me what it’s going to be. First step was moving out of that horrible apartment. Now we need to get stabilized again and we can go from there. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Absolutely, boundaries are key. I never do new year resolutions. But I’m actually going to this year. I want to make sure I get off on a good footing after all the valuable lessons I’ve learned this year. We’ll face down the future together

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oddly I don’t normally either, but I feel like my life has been at a crossroads all year this year. I’ve been trying to figure myself out and what I really want. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a grove of trees at this crossroads this whole year and whatever it is I choose, once I leave there will be no going back. Really feeling STUCK like other people choosing shit for me. How much of that is true versus my perception, I have no idea. But I need to make a choice and move down a path. I can’t stay in this grove forever. I moved from the apartment when I didn’t quite feel ready to but it needed to be done. There is pressure to get divorced from my parents – a part of me wants to get divorced and thinks it is the right thing to do BUT I’m afraid of losing Little Bear if I do it. People say I should do what’s best for me. Well what is best for me? Who are any of you to decide that for me? Maybe what’s best for me to protect and preserve what’s best for my children at all costs? I went through hell to bring these boys into this world. If it is selfish of me to say I’m not willing to let my son go, then I own that. That man was not raised Mormon. He was not groomed from childhood with the expectation that his sole purpose in life was to become a wife and a mother. He was not told at the age of 19 in an emergency room that he was rendered sterile and would never have children AND had no business having children. 5 pregnancies. 3 amazing miracle children. I wear those C-section scars with pride. So fuck him. I wasn’t willing to leave the state to take an internship for my own licensure to become a registered dietician because it was what’s best for Tuxedo Cat. Yet he thought he could MAKE me move by joining the Army behind by back after I told him I wouldn’t?

      I don’t know what the right decision is here but it doesn’t affect just me. It affects all three of those boys and I have to think about them too. I didn’t fight to bring them into this world just to fuck them over. The problem is now I’m stuck with this “damned if I do and damned if I don’t” decision. Which will fuck them over the least? Which is going to cause the least amount of harm?

      Right now we are already living like a divorced couple BUT if I file for a divorce, custody over Little Bear could theoretically go either direction. Really the only thing I have in my favor is the fact he has been living with his brothers this entire time, his school, and his medical care plan that his father doesn’t take part in but has access to.

      Sorry I just exploded on you. >.< But I'm realizing here that I need to know who I really am before I can move forward with this next stage in my life and holding my boundaries is going to be a HUGE part of that. Otherwise I'm going to get nowhere fast and it won't matter what I decide to do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rant away, you certainly deserve to. What a huge burden you carry. You have all my support ❤ I don't have children so I can only imagine the fear of losing Little Bear. Is it possible to seek legal guidance so you have more clarity as to your custody rights?

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      2. If I had the money I could get a lawyer that specializes in that. Which yes, if I go through this and file for a divorce I most certainly want a lawyer just for the custody. I don’t get a shit about anything else. We have NOTHING but college debt. My car, my parents gifted to me so legally he can’t touch it. My parents did that on purpose when my old one broke and he gave me only $4k to buy a new one. You’re lucky if you can get a car with $10k as a down payment around here. =/ I guess my husband thought I was going to buy something off someone’s driveway or something? So my parents gave me their old car and I fixed it. My car… the frame rusted out beyond repair. But since here in Maine you have to go through court to get divorced, I want the lawyer for the custody if nothing else. And lately he’s was pressing me about it until I mentioned that. So I do think he has found someone else. When I asked him, he told me I didn’t have the right to know. O.o I told him that as long as I am married to him I do have the legal right to know. That’s when he accused me to trying to entrap him. Entrapment doesn’t work that way. This man drives me nuts.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. He sounds like a handful. But you sound like you’ve got your fingers on all the necessary buttons. I think you’re doing a phenominal job, unlike me in my divorce. I just fell to pieces. Here on wordpress, you have a soft place to fall ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I feel like there is too much to keep track of and of course there is my parents telling me what to do with all this which doesn’t help. Just one more reason to get a lawyer and be done with it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This post resonated deeply with me, Toadie. I’m so done with focusing on other people’s judgements… My journey, my responses, my choices, my needs, and my happiness and well-being are front and center now. Good luck as you move forward – I wish you every success in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

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