Self-Reflection and Random Thoughts

Well looking at last week’s mood tracker and now looking at how this week’s mood tracker is starting out, I think it’s safe to say I am no longer sliding into hypomania. Even though last week I did miss a few doses a few days part of the days – I think 3 half days last week? – I did pretty good holding myself together.

The migraine was a monthly migraine that couldn’t be avoided (because hormones) but it wouldn’t have been as bad as it was if I hadn’t missed my meds I think. Between pushing myself with the writing and missing my meds, I really messed up my sleep. The last two nights I’m already back on fairly normal sleep pattern. For now.

Well okay, since I just took the boys out to the bus I’m going to have to amend my self assessment. Maybe I am still in the slide, but it’s not a hard slide anymore. I’m not sure. My spirits are lifted. I know in part it’s because I’m writing – not just this blog, which makes me happy but I’m writing fiction again which makes my heart sing. The feeling I have right now just typing this brings tears to my eyes.

Is this hypomania? Clinically I know what it is and what it means. Fuck them for wanting to medicate it away. Fuck them for wanting to medicate me away. And fuck my brain for having the migraines tied to it all. They keep wanting to increase my dose because I’m not at a “therapeutic level” for Bipolar, but any higher than what I’m at the brain fog is so thick I can’t think straight. I shit you not.

They increased me to 75mg in the morning and 100mg and in the first week I set my trash can on fire with my ashtray by accident. I dumped it not realizing I had a lit butt in it. I had to pour water into the trash can before it set off the fire alarm. I went back to the 75mg twice a day the same day. Fuck that. Told them I have children who take meds that I have to take care of and I can’t be messing up their meds. I give them their meds and if I can make a mistake like that, then I can mess up their meds. No. Not happening. Thankfully they haven’t pushed the issue. They offer once in awhile, but they don’t push. It scares me to death. They don’t even offer to add a med.

Apparently this means I’m “high functioning” when everything else is in place. If I can keep my stress levels low. If I have a therapist. If I have a social support network helping me. Nothing is ever perfect, but when is anything ever perfect? My anxiety demands a plan. My dad always says, “Plan for the worst and hope for the best.” So yeah, when my anxiety runs wild and comes up with the worst possible case scenario, I try to plan for it.

Admittedly I don’t have a solid plan for everything yet – like what happens to Tuxedo Cat when I die. Where is he going to go? Where will he live? Who will take care of him? I told my husband about how my father said I should put Tuxedo Cat in a home as soon as he turned 18 and how upset I was about it. My husband actually supported the idea. Spouted off about how I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it if he ever became violent, etc. I blew up on him. Tuxedo Cat does NOT need to be put in a home. Not now, not ever. Fuck. That. Noise.

I told him how I have been trained by a black belt in ninjutsu on Mandt and Moab safety techniques and it wasn’t for Tuxedo Cat, it was for Little Bear. Tuxedo Cat doesn’t have a history for hurting people or himself. I know how to take someone down and hold them in such a way that they will wear themselves out long before I get tired – without anyone getting hurt, regardless of size. And I was proud to tell him that. Especially after he had me cornered that one night. Yes, I need refresher courses – especially now that I’ve said something to this fucker, but that wasn’t the point. I wanted him to know – needed him to know – I’m not afraid of him and he’s not going to get away with that shit. I will never be trained to hurt someone, but I will be trained to help, protect, and defend with the least harm possible.

I’m tired of him coming at me with the body language of “I’m an Army man” like it matters when I know how the training goes. I’m tired of being stuck in the corner and backing down because I have the kids to think about. For years I thought people did it because I was small. Now reading social media I’m finding that women much taller and bigger than me are going through the same shit as me. I’m reading that people of color are suffering the same shit. I’m reading that the LGBT community are struggling with the same thing. The mental health and disability community… who isn’t a target? It pisses me off. It makes me angry.

Since the election I have logged off Facebook. I feel bad. I am an admin for a support group and I can’t even be on there right now. They know I am moving and that I’m participating in NaNo at least so they do at least understand. I did poke my head in there briefly the other day and saw most of us in the group are doing the same as I am. Just laying low. What else are we to do when our walls are washed down with so much overwhelming bullshit? And for me it’s not about who got voted. I’m a firm believer that we need to pull together as a nation and make shit work as a nation.

No, I didn’t vote for Trump. I voted third party – I seriously wanted to break the two party system by establishing a third party with Federal support, funding, and backing. I had my eyes on a much bigger picture this year. We almost made the 5% that was needed. No, I’m not Libertarian either. I’m 100% Independent. I just wanted another major party in the fucking system and quite honestly I felt Johnson was a reasonable choice, if not a little quirky, but given the choices we had… I was willing to vote for that quirky choice.

There is something wrong with the Republicans and Democrats right now. Republicans are splitting, we’ve seen with Trump. They share one name right now but essentially they are two parties – at least. But we don’t know who is who in there. And now we’ve got something similar going on with the Democrats. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look harder because it’s there. Trump and Bernie did it by responding to the people. There is this HUGE divide in the population right now. A HUGE demand for change. And people are looking for that watershed, that point where the river splits. All throughout history there has been someone who guides the way. We don’t have that person yet for this point in time. I say that because this time it’s a global event. It’s not just our country with unrest. It’s everywhere. And thanks to the global communications, whomever it is will be able to reach trillions of people at once. So it’s not just our country looking for direction. It’s not just our country demanding and pushing for change. It’s not just our country ready to burst with unrest.

It’s not just our country waiting for a modern day Moses.

My concern is, the first one that comes will be false.

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