It’s just a “blah” kind of day. I couldn’t really get into anything in terms of activity. Couldn’t get into a video game and I could barely focus on the Justice League episodes with my dad on Netflix today.
I did log into FFXI the night before and bumped into an old friend of mine. Told him how my husband had just gone back to the army from his leave this summer. My friend asked me if that this was a good thing since liked having him not around. Told my friend that yes, it’s just that it was a pretty stressful two weeks and I’m still trying to unwind from it all.
Ultimately I think that’s what’s been going on since my husband left. All I’ve done since just before he showed up and during the time he was here was rant and vent. It’s been non-stop high alert. I feel like I’ve been in the trenches. To say that I’m tired is an understatement. To make matters worse, my parents have gone into high gear for whatever reason with their “parenting” of my boys. Not sure if its their way of deprogramming what they see of my husband’s influence in them or just what, but it’s always at it’s peak right after he leaves. Maybe it because I deflate, destabilize, or whatever hell it is I do? Who the hell knows. I just know a part of me chafes at it. Kind of like when you have acne and someone feels the need to pop a zit on your face for you without being asked or asking beforehand. That kind of thing. They think their helping – they may even be helping – but it’s stripping you of your autonomy in the process so in the long run it isn’t really helping. But then again, I’m still here at their place so a part of me somewhere in my head must know I need this help and maybe it’s really my ego that’s chafing.
One thing I do know is I’m exhausted. I’m tired. So freaking damn tired of feeling like I have to struggle to keep my head above water. Tired of second guessing every single thing I do. Tired of worrying about what tomorrow is going to bring. And just when I start to worry that maybe I am the problem, a fellow parent in a support group validated me and my fears. This parent shared her similar experiences with a former spouse. Turns out she wasn’t the only one. It makes me sad and angry to know that I’m not the only special needs parent out there going through this shit. It blows my mind to know that so many of us have our own special needs, trying to raise children with their challenges, and then to struggle with bullshit like this from spouses.
It’s a known fact that those with special needs, disabilities, mental illness, etc. are more likely to victims of abuse. I’ve always wondered why this is. Is it because we are less likely to report it ourselves? Or is it because we are specifically targeted? Is it something about us that makes us more tempting to those that are willing to be abusive?
The dynamics is very complicated to be sure. What I wonder though is if there is a way to educate ourselves to better protect ourselves from becoming victims. I am tired of being in this mess. If I do manage to clear myself of my current mess I want to make sure I never repeat it. I want to make sure my boys don’t make the same mistake.