Quiet Reflections

There was no phone call last night and the boys didn’t seem to mind. Never fails when he calls every night for an extended period of time the boys seem to lose interest in talking. It’s almost like they don’t get the chance to have anything interesting or unusual happen to share with him so it just become the “same old, same old” type of thing. I feel bad when it happens because I always make them talk to him. I know he wants to hear from them and he misses them. Just because we have problems doesn’t mean they need to be dragged into it. They shouldn’t and I won’t do that.

I spoke with my sister yesterday morning. I brought up to speed with all that’s been going on. She wanted to know why any of this is bothering me. Bottom line? As much as I hate to admit it, I still have feelings for him. And it kills me to know that I am nothing more than living porn to him. Yes I am tired of the bullshit and I am done with being treated this way. But it doesn’t make any of this hurt any less. A part of me I guess still holds onto the hope that I will be worthy of true love from him even though logically his behavior says that will never happen. So that’s the hurdle and why I keep getting suckered back in even though I know this all is seriously bad as fuck for me. Staying with him is destroying all that I am.

The anxiety I feel about not knowing when he is coming, whether or not he plans to make a surprise visit is all centered around the last time he stayed in my home and how he treated me. It haunts me every day. For some reason even my oldest son’s father never frightened me like that. My oldest son’s father is a bully and an asshole, but this… this was different. There was something menacing about my husband that night. I guess it really is true that once you have been raped you are changed forever. When he yelled at me that night that he had rights as my husband to my body, that I didn’t have the right to flinch when he put the moves on me, when he got up in my face about it, and just lurked around me… what the fuck. Even now he claims he acted appropriately. I forget the exactly word he used on the phone the day I had confronted him about the Craiglist bullshit and this all came up – again. But later that day on Facebook he defends himself again stating he never touched me in anger. He was still making it clear that there was nothing wrong with his behavior, rendering his non-apology very empty.

My concern is a repeat episode. Even worse is that it would escalate into something far worse than that night. So my sister suggested that I have a plan in case he did show up unannounced. Well my therapist did say I could call her any time, but that’s not exactly a plan. I more or less derailed at that point, but yes I agree with her. Having a plan in the event he did show up at my home with us there and no other adults present to protect me would be best. The closest family I have are my parents and my brother. I really don’t want to plan for my brother since he works and I don’t get along with his wife. She has a big mouth and gossips – a lot. Better that I make plans with my parents. At least I know I would be more likely to get a hold of my dad than anyone else if I needed to.

A long while back I thought that maybe my husband had a personality disorder, like Antisocial or Borderline, or even Bipolar. Now my sister is saying that she thinks it looks like it more likely to be Antisocial. Not that it does any good to speculate if he has no interest in getting honest treatment. Bipolar I know I can cope with. My oldest son and I do just fine together. Borderline I believe that I could support with the right education. But as prejudice as this sounds, if it is Antisocial Personality Disorder then I am probably just better off putting my big girl pants on, biting the bullet, and calling it quits on this. But this is part of why I think I’m scared. What if I am right? What if I bail and this triggers worse shit than what I’m dealing with now? How many times is he going to threaten suicide? My therapist said, I can’t let that be my problem. There are professionals out there that deal with that. But….

All I know is, I’m tired of feeling like a wreck all the time. I don’t need this anymore. Time for better balance in my life so I can be more stable. It would be better for the boys too.

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