Holding Pattern in the Dark

I’m exhausted. So tired that I can feel the grind in the marrow of my bones. You could IV me up to coffee and it wouldn’t make any difference. I’m that tired. Beyond worn out. It’s the kind of tired you fear even sleep can’t cure because with it brings a wriggly sort of ache. Nothing makes this go away. It’s hard to describe. In its least annoying form it’s like bugs crawling under my skin. In its worse form it’s like worms boring through my bones – but not painfully so, just the sensation of the movement.

I’ve had some say this is psychomotor agitation, I even thought that for the longest time, but I’m wondering now about that. My understanding of psychomotor agitation is that it is an obsessive drive to move. I mean at first glance you could almost mistake it for stimming – but the cause of the two behaviors are different.Psychomotor agitation appears to be a response to a biochemical signal driving the need for movement. Stimming is actually a coping skill – it’s an instinctive self soothing response.

So one would think that moving around would alleviate this sensation of mine if it was a result from psychomotor agitation. It doesn’t. Neither does being still for that matter. I mean I could be wrong for all I know if my brain is kicking out whatever chemical to drive movement NOW I suppose it is possible that I wouldn’t feel alleviated until the chemical is spent and out of my system. But I feel this way as I’m typing. I don’t feel comfortable sitting here but I don’t feel that there is a point in getting up to physically doing anything. I know the sensation isn’t going to go away. It just makes me more tired.

My therapist called me to reschedule next week’s appointment and to check in with me. Odd really. She hasn’t done that before. Maybe I was more of a mess last appointment than I realized or maybe she hadn’t planned on checking in at all but something in my voice made her need to? I don’t know why. I do know it doesn’t help me feel that I am doing as well I had hoped. She asked me if I had heard anything about my husband and I told her not yet. She said at least nothing has changed and to call her if I need to. That was this afternoon.

Tonight it was my husband that called rather than my father-in-law. Interesting how I just complained about this yesterday and “ta-da” they correct it today. I wouldn’t put it past him to have got information about my blog from a friend. I miss the days when I could trust people and believe in coincidences. Not anymore. It’s frustrating to know that I don’t really have a safe place to go anymore, not even in my own mind.

I answered the phone, just like I always do. And just like always he had the opportunity to talk to me about his plans to visit the boys when he comes on leave. Not. One. Word. About. It. Yes, I could ask him myself but this opens a door to other shit that doesn’t need to be open anymore. If I ask him he will take it as there is hope of “fixing” this relationship. He is convinced that we have had a great relationship except for the mistakes he has made. The problem with that is the first time is a mistake, after that repeats of the same is a willful choice. It also invites him to dump all the planning on me. I’m not doing that for him anymore. Telling him that will be enough to launch a fight.

I’m still in a holding pattern, in the dark. I feel like I’m under siege. I’m also afraid that if I try to make the first move he will use it to make himself look like the victim. What I don’t comprehend is, how is it that someone that is as profoundly socially awkward as he is can sell the bullshit that he does. Hell, even I bought it in the beginning. Is the social awkwardness one of his many lies? I don’t know.

What I do know is that most socially awkward people do not have a sizeable functional social network. Especially one where you get free stuff and favors from people all the time. He never seems to have a shortage of that despite how many of these same people will complain to me how hard it is to talk to him. I used to make excuses for him. I don’t anymore. In fact, I’ve dropped out of his social circle completely only for him to invade mine. One day he just friended over 30 of my friends on Facebook in less than an hour – including my middle son’s biological father whom before he was aggressive to. Now all of a sudden he’s trying to be buddy buddy with him. So my son’s father asked me what I thought he should do about it and I told him it was up to him. It’s not my place to choose his friends. If he wasn’t comfortable with it, then drop him. If he’s okay with it, keep it as a friend but lay down whatever boundaries needed right from the start. And of course he always has the option of just ignoring him. I have no idea what he decided to do.

I have come to accept the fact that I never had any idea who my husband truly is. I’m almost hoping to find out that the Army has denied him leave entirely this summer for whatever reason. Talk about avoidance behavior right there, but seriously this has got me up in knots since the week before our anniversary and it hasn’t let up. I need a reprieve sooner rather than later.

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