I Truly Fail to Understand

I didn’t post yesterday because I wasn’t sure what to say for one and for two I spent the day at my parents’ house for Father’s Day.

My brother’s family is moving out of the house. It’s a process like always. I hate moving and I’m glad that for once it’s not me. I’m also glad that everyone was too busy to pay attention to the phone call when my husband called from out of state.

I know he’s still using personal ads looking to hook up with other women. Lord knows what else he’s doing. I keep saying I don’t care. I keep saying I’m done with all this shit. It’s not true. Deep down I still care. Deep down I’m still trying to prove I’m worthy. But the fact remains this is what he’s been doing since we started dating. The fact is he didn’t stop doing it after we got married. And it hurt when he said this is my fault that he’s doing it. He’s doing it because I said just before Christmas last year that I want a divorce. No… try again. This is what your behavior has always been. This is why I want a divorce. My desire for a divorce isn’t the cause of your behavior. Don’t pin this on me. Don’t tell me for seven years you are going to change but just keep doing what you have been doing all along.

And when you finally scream in my face that I didn’t have the right to flinch when you put the moves on me and that you have the right to receive affection from me whenever you want it because you are my husband is when I no longer feel safe around you. I was willing to work with all the other shit, but this is just over and beyond measure. And to add insult to injury you are now claiming that not only that it didn’t happen the way it did, you were only concerned about my well-being. That you conducted yourself properly. You were standing in front of my oldest son’s doorway. I was blocked in the hallway with no where to go other than through you or to go out the front door behind me. But you didn’t have me backed into a corner? So how did you go for that jog of yours to “blow off steam” like you claimed? And why would I have flinched if you hadn’t touched me? Bullshit all of it.

Now you’ve been playing games with the money. I shouldn’t have had to argue with you for 6 months to explain to you why the boys and I needed $300 more just for groceries but we did. And it took you being here in person with pencil and paper in hand to do that.

I truly fail to understand how you can say you love me yet continue to behave the way you do. How can anyone claim to love someone yet treat them this way?

Times up on Monday Word Vomit #1

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